Tonight, She would be bringing over Her favorite romantic movie, and we would watch it with dinner. It was our second movie night ever. It was also the second movie night where She required me to correct my journal, this time before posting. Like an idiot, I had missed the opportunity to compare this movie night to O/our first. This journal is the first I have ever been commanded to correct twice. I had neglected to describe how my submissive identity has evolved since O/our first movie night. What an ignoramus I am. I am useless without Her direction.
Our first movie night had been the second time we had ever seen each other. I was so nervous around Her then, just two short months ago. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I just knew I liked being around Her and I wanted to make Her happy. Now I feel calm when I am around Her. Just being in Her presence melts my stress away. I have a pretty good idea of what She wants from me most of the time, and I trust that if She wants something different than what I am giving Her, She will let me know.
I had been tasked with doing the burger preparation work ahead of time. On our first movie night, She had (wisely) not even trusted me to slice the cheese. She has taught me a lot since, including how to properly slice cheese. I cut the onions and mushrooms, and placed the pans on the stove. I had the burgers seasoned by the time She arrived, but I did not have them all formed yet. She had arrived a few minutes early. I should have been prepared for that possibility. I hurried to wash my hands and rushed outside to meet Her.
She gave me a great, big, long, tight hug when I greeted Her. It felt so good for Her to be holding me to close and so tightly for so long. I love Her great big hugs. I carried Her things for Her, and opened the door for Her and Her dog. Her dog may be the best behaved dog I’ve ever seen. She had decided that we would leave the doors open, because the heat in my house was utterly oppressive. Her dog just stayed inside with us.
She instructed me to fetch two glasses with ice. On our first movie night, She had been nonplussed to discover that I didn’t even own ice cube trays. Now I always have ice, in dedication to Her. I had already prepared a glass with ice for Her and placed it the in the freezer, so I handed it to Her, and proceeded to put ice in a glass for myself. She had brought some hard seltzer to share with me, one pineapple, and one lime flavored. She had also brought a tomato for O/our burgers, and some fudge! She poured some of the pineapple hard seltzer in my glass and allowed me to try some. It was light and fruity and bubbly, a nice drink for the hot day.
“You better get working on those burgers,” She said, “I’m not going to help you this time.” I hurried to finish forming the burgers. While I was working on them, She picked up the smaller of the pans I had set out, and waved it in front of me.
“Too small?” I asked. I understood the nonverbal message that She was conveying. Thankfully, She had already remarked during one of our previous encounters that I needed another large pan, so I had recently procured one. “I have a bigger one actually, I said. It’s still wrapped though.” She asked where it was, and I moved out of the way and pointed to the pan’s location with a finger covered in meat and seasonings.
She pulled out the pan and unwrapped it. I finished forming the burgers while She got out the butter and started caramelizing the onions and mushrooms. She had decided to take over that task while leaving the task of cooking the burgers up to me. She occasionally munched on crackers and schmear, and fed me some here and there as we cooked. I enjoy when She feeds me or tells me to take a drink. It feels good that She cares about me.
When the food was nearly ready, She instructed me to prepare the movie. I hurried to queue up the DVD. She instructed me to move my coffee table to a spot that would make eating dinner while watching the movie more convenient, then reminded me of all the things that I needed to bring into the living room. I made sure that She had everything She needed, and grabbed my own food and drink, and settled down to watch the movie with Her.
The onions and mushrooms were cooked perfectly. The burgers were a bit over cooked and over seasoned. I will do better next time. The block cheddar that we used (because I had forgotten to procure the sliced cheddar) was actually quite good. Some of the cheese had dripped off of the burgers and gotten fried in the pan. It was all quite tasty, despite my inferior burger cooking skills.
She told me the movie we were watching is Her favorite romantic film. It is based on a book written by a woman at a time when female authors were not known to exist. Some women did write, but they did so using male pen names in order to achieve their works being published. It takes a very strong woman to break that kind of barrier. I appreciate very strong women, like She who owns me.
The female lead in the movie is also a very strong woman. She is not afraid to talk frankly to people that would be considered above her station. She is also highly intelligent and well-read at the time when women were expected not to do much more than cook, sing, dance, and see to the needs of their men. Her way with words and understanding of people allows her to control situations in ways that would not normally be possible for someone in her position.
I can relate to the male lead in the movie. He is closed off, and fearful of people and the inevitable treachery that comes with them. Perhaps it was her frankness that opened his heart. Perhaps it was her wit, or her wry sense of humor, or her passion for what’s right that opened his heart. Whatever it was, he fell for her almost immediately. As She later said to me in a text, “The moment he knew how to make her happy and serve her, he worked diligently to earn her favor.”
I sat close to Her and we cuddled as we watched the movie. Occasionally She would clink glasses with me, or bring me in for a kiss. Our first movie night had been the first time She kissed me. I had been afraid to kiss Her back so I was just slack-jawed like an idiot the whole time She was kissing me. She has given me kissing lessons since then, and a fair amount of practice. I think my skills have improved considerably. She would likely deride me and dispute my assertion. I feel like I am able to follow Her lead and kiss Her just the way She wants.
Sometimes I would cuddle up real close to Her and lay my head against Her shoulder. Sometimes She would lay Her head against mine. Occasionally I would lean in and kiss Her on Her cheek or Her neck if the moment felt right. At one point She gave me a nice fresh bite on my shoulder. I appreciate when She marks me. I have come to miss Her bite marks when they fade.
When we had finished the hard seltzer, we switched to wine. I no longer feel like an alien when I try to open a wine bottle, like I did on our first movie night, nor do I have any issues with the wine stopper. We snuggled, kissed, and laughed a lot together. The movie turned out to be quite a bit funnier than I would have expected from the title. I love laughing with Her.
Unfortunately, the movie eventually ended, and it was time for Her to go. I would have loved if She could have stayed longer. She gave me another bite before She left, leaving me with Her mark on each shoulder. She is kind to leave me with these reminders of Her; they help me to feel close to Her even when it is physically impossible for me to be. I will be thinking of Her, always.
A lot has changed since our first movie night. I have become a lot closer to Her. I feel calm around Her. I have grown better at serving Her, and I am learning more ways to please Her as I get to know more of Her. I will always try to do better for Her, and be better for Her. I feel like She has done so much more for me than my meager service could possibly compare to. She has helped me extraordinarily in the past two months.
She has helped me improve my writing considerably. She’s broken me out of some bad writing habits, helped me expand my vocabulary, and inspired me to learn more and write more. She’s spent so much of Her time correcting my work, and showing me how I can do better, and I can’t thank Her enough for that. Not to mention that none of this writing would exist at all if not for Her inspiration and direction.
She’s has been helping me get fit by bringing me to yoga and swim class, and teaching me how to cook actual food. I already feel stronger and more flexible, and have more energy. She says She is beginning to see some definition forming in my muscles. She is impelling me to become absolutely shredded for Her.
She has introduced me to new food, music, and movies. She’s introduced me to new ideas and new ways of doing things. She is changing me, and helping me grow. I am thankful for everything that She teaches me. I am very thankful that She enjoys correcting me so much. I was lost before I met Her, disconnected, and adrift. She has woken me up, and given me direction, and galvanized me into ameliorating myself.
She has asked me to describe how my submissive identity has evolved since our first movie night. It is difficult to tell how much of the change in my submissive identity should be attributed to evolution versus revelation. I feel like She has done as much to peel back my protective layers and expose what is inside of me as She has to augment it.
I am much more submissive than I had initially thought. I had no idea that I would enjoy being controlled and criticized so much. I love following Her directions, and trying to execute them as perfectly for Her as possible. I love Her corrections, and I want to become better for Her. I don’t mind when She calls me a wimp, or a fucking idiot, or Her slave. I like it. I am not sure why, but I do. Perhaps it is Her superior methods and skill that make the difference. Perhaps my submission to Her comes so naturally because She really does know best, and following Her way leads to refinement, and is it’s own reward. I do not think just anyone could dominate me in the way that She does. Her natural strength, power, intelligence, and wisdom are key elements. She is very special.
I am becoming more masochistic. She has expanded my threshold of pain, although I know I am still a complete bitch. I enjoy the pain a little. I am beginning to miss it when it isn’t present. I am still scared of how much pain She can distribute. I do not know how much I can handle, but I think I am ready for more. She has been giving me shoulder bites regularly, which I have come to love. I feel I may be actually craving a spanking, like the one She gave me a couple weeks ago. I am also curious about, albeit extremely wary of the other implements of pain that She has described to me.
I still don’t want Her to be angry with me though. The emotional trauma of Her fury is extremely difficult to bear. I fear I am particularly weak in that area. I will do my best not to earn Her ire, but I will accept my failures when they occur, and learn from them, and continue to improve for Her. It makes me happy to bring Her enjoyment. I don’t ever want to cause Her stress. We have been able to work through problems of miscommunication and become closer for it. I feel a strong connection to Her that is only becoming stronger the more time we spend together. I believe we were meant to find each other. She has done so much for me. She cares about me. She takes care of me. She improves me. She owns me.