Fortunately, She has seen fit to allow me to correct this journal. Unfortunately, I must do it before I sleep, and I did not get enough sleep last night. I fear that I am about to descend into delirium. I will leave my original post in place as a testament to my failure. I hope that I will be able to do our encounter justice this time around, but I doubt it. Here we go again…
This wonderful woman who goes by the moniker “craveme” was to come over to my place to watch a movie. This meeting was our second. I was to provide wine and cheese, and She would bring the movie. She also brought Her dog, and to my surprise, strawberries! I gave Her a quick tour of my place, and then we went for a walk on a trail nearby. It was a beautiful day. Her dog walked beside us, unleashed and perfectly behaved.
She talked about what She had in store for me. She had prepared a calendar. Our second meeting would be one of four auditions, but we were doing the third one second. Whatever you say, I’m just happy I’m walking next to you right now. I already knew we would be watching a movie, but She hadn’t told me what it would be, just that it would be “relevant.” I guessed the only relevant movie of which I could think, and was happy to find out that I was correct.
I had seen the movie before, but the last time I saw it, the roles were somewhat reversed. I had watched it with someone who wanted to be a sub and wanted me to dominate them. Now I am going to be watching it with a Domme, and I want to be the sub. This is a totally different situation. We walked for a while longer, and talked about a bunch of random vanilla things. It was very nice. Then we headed back and got set up to watch the movie.
I opened the wine like an alien who’d never seen a bottle before. She made fun of me, and promised to show me how to open the bottle properly next time. I had chilled the wine, but I did not have ice, because I’m some kind of weirdo that doesn’t just have ice like everyone else does.
I couldn’t figure out how to get the stopper I had on to the bottle either. What a fucking idiot. I fumbled with it for a solid minute before I looked up at Her and said, “I don’t know if I can do this.”
She kind of rolled Her eyes and shook Her head and sighed and said, “Fine, just put it in the fridge.” Her disappointment was palpable. She told me to get the movie started while She cut up the cheese. Probably because She knew I’d fuck it all up. I managed to get the DVD inserted into the player, and even press play.
When we sat down, She told me I was not sitting close enough. I moved over next to Her and said, “Is this close enough?” She said, “Is it?” I took that question as a rhetorical, “no,” and pressed my body up against Hers as much as I could. I seemed to be doing what She wanted, which made me super happy.
The movie is about control, correction, validation, and submission, and a little bit of pleasure through pain. One movie character is desperately in need of structure and validation. The other character needs to be in control. That man can be kind or cruel. The woman enjoys the attention either way. Although he can be cruel, he does not try to break her down, but to help her become better. His control gives her the structure she needs, and his correction helps her become better.
Her desire to adapt to his needs and wants pleases him. Pleasing him gives her enjoyment, but so does being corrected by him. When he very specifically corrects her about what she has done wrong, it means he was paying attention to her. When she follows his instructions to the letter it means she was paying attention to him. They are anticipating each other’s needs as much as any vanilla couple would, it’s just that their needs sometimes involve bondage and spanking (and saddles and carrots??).
I had seen the movie before, but this time was totally different. Now craving the submissive role as much as the character in this movie. The woman who I hope will become my Domme is fully in control. She touches me how she wants. She hands me Her glass when she needs more wine. I hold the plate of sharp cheddar and strawberries. I eat very little, to make sure She gets all she wants. She notices I’m not eating, and tells me to have a bite of cheese or strawberry every so often. She teaches me that by eating the strawberry first, and then the cheese, it enhances the flavor of the cheese. She is so good to me.
As we watch the movie, She tells me the things that She likes and doesn’t like, and the things that make Her horny. I must admit, I was paying more attention to Her than the movie. I loved the way She would reach over and touch me, just the way She wanted. It made me feel like I was there for Her pleasure. In that moment I felt like I existed for Her pleasure. When She causes me pain, I endure it. My pain makes Her happy. Her happiness makes me happy.
My viewing of the movie is punctuated by frequent trips to the refrigerator so I could pour Her small amounts of wine from the cold bottle. When we finished it off, She got up to show me how to open the next one properly. I stood waiting for Her to sit down. Instead, She came over, pressed up against me, grabbed me, and fondled me. My body was hers.
As the movie intensified, so did Her arousal, and mine. I was biting my lip through most of it. She alternated between caressing, fondling, grabbing, and pinching me. It was a mixture of physical pleasure and pain, but my emotional state was one of constant bliss. She was enjoying my body, and I was enjoying Her enjoyment of me.
Toward the end, She got real rough, grabbing me by the chin hair and pulling me in real close. She smelled so good. Before I knew it, our lips were touching, even a little tongue. I wanted to kiss Her back, but I was afraid. I didn’t want to press my luck, so I was mostly just slack-jawed while She was kissing me, dumbfounded that this scenario was even happening.
She told me that I needed Her kissing lessons. “That’s session four,” She added. But, maybe not… Since we’re doing things out of order, who knows what might happen? I sure am anxious to find out.
In the movie, the submissive character intentionally makes “mistakes”, and acts out to provoke the Dom to provide correction. As I was told during the movie, and understand even more clear now, this kind of bad behavior is completely unnecessary. I am going to fuck everything up even when I’m trying to do everything perfectly. Hopefully this entry will be good enough for Her to continue Her interest in me. It is now 4:49 a.m. and She has already gone to sleep and woken up. So I have to wrap it up now, such as it is. Please have pity on me.