I am more masochistic than I thought. I would not say that I enjoy pain, but when I am in subspace I do enjoy Her dispensation of pain. She has introduced me to many implements of pain that I had not previously experienced, such as Her riding crop, heavy multi-tailed whip, canes, studded paddle, luffa, Wartenberg wheel, Evil Stick, wooden spoon, and clothespins.
Her Evil Stick has caused me the most direct pain of any implement, and left the longest lasting marks. The luffa was brutal. I much prefer impact play to having my flesh torn up with abrasive material. I would even go so far as to say that I enjoy the feeling of impact tools connecting with my flesh while I am in subspace. The Wartenberg wheel feels like my flesh is being unzipped. The sensation is more like extreme tickling than actual pain, but it is a sensation that would be difficult to endure for very long.
The clothespins were an interesting way to experiment with pain. Depending where they are placed on the body they can either feel like a slight pinch or like your flesh is being pierced. My ear cartilage causes me the most pain, even more so than having clothespins attached to my eyelids. It’s also interesting the way the pain sensation becomes distributed throughout your body. The more clothespins that are attached, the less any one of them hurts. As the clothespins are removed, the pain becomes more centralized, and more intense. She enjoys removing the most painful one last.
She has also bitten, pinched, scratched, and spanked me harder than anyone else has in my life. For the most part I have enjoyed those wounds as they healed. They are a reminder of Her, and somewhat of a badge of honor. I have been proud of them. A couple of times I felt She had gone too far, however.
I still have scars from eight months ago when She tore up my back with Her nails. She has scratched my back with Her nails many other times, which I normally don’t mind at all. This time was different. She dug deep and shredded my back. I bled. It stung like hell. She was very drunk at the time, and I do not believe She was fully aware of what She was doing. The wounds continued to sting for at least a week. Any kind of bending or leaning on anything was painful, but showering was the worst. The wounds scabbed over and continued to itch for weeks. The sight of the wounds horrified my girlfriend.
What bothered me the most is that leaving these scars was a violation of one of my soft limits: no permanent marks. My soft limits are negotiable, but there was no negotiation. I don’t consider intoxication an excuse for anything, ever. Our responsibility for our actions includes what we choose to consume and how we handle whatever that might be. It is very difficult for me to hold in high esteem someone who cannot control themselves. I can forgive someone I love for making a mistake, however.
The other time I think She went too far was when She bit into my ear cartilage, extremely fucking hard. It was the most pain She has ever inflicted on me, and it came out of absolutely nowhere. The shock hurt at least as much as the pain. I can’t remember if She was intoxicated or not. The injury was acutely painful for hours, and continued to hurt any time anything touched my ear for a week. My whole ear was red with inflammation. A dark black bruise showed where She had bitten down, and another spot where one of Her teeth had broken the skin.
It was extremely difficult to sleep because the ear She bit into was on the side of my body that I need to sleep on due to my inner ear issues, which She was made aware of the first time we met. That day we discussed a written list of limits that She had requested I bring to our meeting, which included unconcealable marks as a soft limit. My job requires interacting with the public, and I really don’t need some elementary school teacher asking me what happened to my ear.
She violated one of my soft limits and did something that could have been bad for my health and for my career. If I am going to be able to completely submit to Her, I need to be able to completely trust Her. If I am going to be Her slave, submit to Her utterly, and give Her all of my power, then She is going to have to use that power in ways that will build me up and not break me down. I fully expect that She will use me for fulfillment of Her own selfish desires, but I also believe that She is intelligent enough to use me in ways that will benefit both of us, or at least not do me harm.
This situation didn’t make me feel taken care of, but She has taken very good care of me and gone out of Her way to protect me in many other situations. She usually does a very good job, and in social situations I feel safer with Her. I don’t believe She intended to do harm when She bit my ear that way. I just need Her to be more careful. Trust is much more easily broken than built.
Although these transgressions where physical in nature, the emotional impact of them was far more severe. As I have learned this year, emotional torture is more difficult for me to deal with than physical torture. The effects are longer lasting and more difficult to ignore. Strong emotions can consume all of my focus and energy and can even manifest as physical pain. Memories of the situations that created those emotions can bring all of those feelings back in full force. These situations made me question Her judgment, and put a crack in my trust for Her.
I forgive Her, though. It would be unfair for me to expect anyone to be perfect one hundred percent of the time, given that I myself am only perfect zero percent of the time. We all make mistakes. Struggle is an integral part of life, and we would all probably be bored to death without it. It’s in basically every story ever written, so why wouldn’t in be in O/ours?
Speaking of struggle: chastity. My Owner is the only person to ever keep me locked in chastity. Technically I’ve been the one actually attaching the device, and I have always held the key. She tells me when to lock or unlock myself, and I have always obeyed Her. I enjoy giving Her that control, even though I do not always enjoy being in chastity.
The metal cage I have now is much better than the plastic one I used to wear, but it can still be very awkward and uncomfortable. My testicles are part of the problem. In the winter they want to completely recede into my body and in the summer they dangle to the point where the cage is practically falling off of my cock. Even with more supportive underwear, the cage is unruly.
The cage pulls my package down and squeezes my balls together. I have to be careful sitting down, and manspreading is an absolute necessity. I have to keep adjusting myself. It is a constant distraction and makes the work day difficult and uncomfortable. I am thankful She has not continued to keep me locked long term. I do enjoy being locked for Her for small amounts of time, but it becomes more difficult to bear the longer the cage is on.
I have always obeyed Her when She has told me to don or remove my chastity device. My only transgression was when I made myself cum while caged. Although I had not technically disobeyed Her words, I had denied Her control over my orgasms, which is the very aspect of my chastity from which She derives pleasure. I was very ashamed when I realized how I had broken Her trust. I have only cum while caged once since then, when She directed me to so She could watch how I did it. It took a long time to cum with Her staring at me, but the orgasm was extremely intense. I enjoyed that day very much.